Despite such news, I've had some chats with some family members and friends, who have been supportive with keeping my spirits up. I have to stay positive, but at times I'm finding my mind wonder into moments of 'what ifs?'. I have a job that involves caring for vulnerable adults - if I am deemed unfit for this role, I will not be able to continue on with a job that I love and would like to move up in and eventually become self-employed in. I have to be physically fit for the clients safety. I understand that their welfare is a total priority, but resent the fact that a job I've worked so hard on may be taken away from me. I have not come up with a Plan B either.
Lillie has been great with understanding her Mummy is not 100% at the moment. She has been very helpful with things around the house and makes sure I rest. So far, my health has not impacted in a bad way for her. We have still continued on with what we/she do/does, but at a much slower pace as everything has been taking me double time to do. She is a little angel. However, I worry that if my health is in trouble and with so many medical questions swimming around in my head, I'm fearful our life will change dramatically in time. I may sound like I am being dramatic, but I am a person who has to know the what's and why's to everything! I am a person who likes to be prepared for certain things and plan for certain events and so forth. I hate being in limbo. I'm even concerned Lillie's Dad will use what's been happening with my health against me in court, in order to have a solid foundation to have her live with him. To sum up, I'm finding myself in a world at times, where I am afraid about the future.
Then there are the good days, where my body seems to be 'playing nicely' so to speak. I've had about 4/5 of them days where my strength reappears, even if it's brief. I appreciate that I'm walking better and start to think all will be fine in the end. I convince myself that I'm just having blips and it will all be sorted and I can get my life back on track again. The fight in me returns in tremendous amounts and I feel like 'me' again. This positivity remains even when the body starts to say 'no' again. My determintion continues to win for the most part. I've taken to keeping a log of the body now - I thought this a good idea for when I see the neurologist.
One decision that has been made is that Lillie and I are intending to move out of the Borough next year. We have discussed so many times how we would love to live in a coastal/countryside region. The plans have started. Firstly, I have to have permission to do this from my local council - I've had the go-ahead and since registered on a few sites. My house has roused lots of interest, but as yet I've not felt the same about their property. This is fine at the moment as our plan is to start the serious search in the New Year. This allows time to see what occurs at the next family court hearing next month and at the hospital appointment too. There are a few things within the house that require sorting also, which we have made a start on - even if those things have been at a snail's pace. The main thing is that we are heading in the right direction.
Lillie has still been spending some of the scheduled time with her child-minder, Lina. She has been marvellous and we really get on well. It's not unusual for us to chat for an hour here and there when Lillie returns home. I do have to continue paying her for looking after Lillie. It's a just in case thing. I do not want Lillie to lose her place with Lina, if I can return to work soon. Fingers X'd I can. So, Lillie has still been venturing out to the places she goes to with Lina and I also don't want a role reversal occurring, where Lillie feels she can't leave me cos of how the body is.
I've still managed to get Lillie to GB for the past two weeks. The week before last involved taking taxis' but last week I managed to get her there by bus. I felt so happy, despite the fact that on my way to pick her up, my legs were giving me grief again and the fear of taking a tumble in public weighed on my brain. A tumble didn't occur and we made it home. Lillie had made doughnuts to, which caused a giggle as some of them had not been cooked properly by the leaders responsible for this part of the making!
A couple of trips to our local Homebase has been nice too. We've added a few new things to the house during some of the changes that have taken place. Lillie enjoyed helping me select an orchid, which she has since written about. Her piece of writing involved her to research where orchids originate from, how it got it's name and how to care for this particular species in the home. Her writing is placed proudly on the kitchen wall amongst her other things of interest.
Phalaenopsis Orchid - also called, Moth Orchid because the flowers resemble moths in flight.
We are also collecting plastic bottles to to reuse rather that recycle. During last week's Blue Peter, one of the presenters created some 'Botkins' for Halloween. Watch this space and all shall be revealed next week! The Hobbit is going well to - halfway through Chapter 7. We've also seen the trailer for the first of the three film adaptations of the book. We can't wait for the release date.
To end this post, a picture of Lillie having lunch last week - she said she wanted it uploaded as she really enjoyed it...
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